My miracle

I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I am alive and well. I am currently maintaining my weight at 130. I am in love with my new body and life. My health is still a struggle but I am managing the best I can. Foot surgery is over but still having nerve pain daily. Jaw surgery is healed and no pain or locking of the mouth. My MS is continuing to progress but I don't let it slow me down. Just spent 2 weeks in CA and 4 days camping at girls camp with my 12 year daughter.I wanted to share a miracle that happen to me while at camp.
I will try to not stay away so long in the future. I love you all and hope all is well with my blog family. Here's the video, enjoy!

SMILE!!!!

YEP it's that time again!

It is official. I will be going under the knife on Feb 15th. This one REALLY REALLY worries me on so many levels. I have not got my weight in check with the whole maintaining thing. I am STILL losing which really pisses me off. And the TMJ surgery involves breaking both sides of my jaw re-mending them by wiring my mouth shut for 10 days followed by 6 weeks of rubber bands on the arch bars.

The surgeon said there will be a 15 to 20 pound weight loss while my mouth is recovering. Really can't afford to drop that much. Been trying to gain but have not had much success because of the jaw pain (my jaw locks making it impossible to eat anything not even liquids).

Since the 25 years of MS nerve damage my pain level is very low. So this surgery is very painful for normal people. Not looking forward to being in THAT much pain for so long either. Takes 6-8 MONTHS to recover!

Anyway I know the Lord only gives us trials we can handle. But I really think He has me confused with someone stronger sometimes.

I need ALL my friends to put me in their prayers. If your church or belief has some type of prayer chain I am asking if you could put me on it, please.

I will be taking pictures of my jaw hardware after so you can see how barbaric it looks...

Thinking errors

I have a lot on my mind today. I have been thinking about this post for days now. So I am going to try to express my feelings.

This whole diet journey has really messed up my head with major thinking errors. Let me try to explain.

Yes I have lost 75 + pounds and I am very happy with my new size. (which is now a 8.) But now that I want to STOP losing I can't! I lost another 2.6 last month, UGH!

I noticed you can count my ribs, my chest is sinking in and my ankles are as tiny as the distance of your thumb touching your index finger. The doctor said I am NOT too thin yet, but I need to stop with the weight loss. If not for the extra skin I am carrying around I would be under weight. I really want to stop too. But how!?

I have stopped going to my WW meetings, as of this month, cause they are geared for people who WANT to lose. My leader advised me to just weigh in but not to stay for the meetings til I get some help. I feel like they got me into this mess and now they just kicked me to the curb!

I am very OCD and after a year of being programed to get "bravo's" and "at a girls" for losing; it makes it too hard for me to sit there and not want to join in, so hence I need to stay away from the meetings. (mind games.) They serve no purpose for me at this time of my weight loss journey. I am so grateful for them when I was trying to lose but not now.

Hard to understand I know but it is just how I have to deal with my disorder.

I started tracking again, after not doing so since last March, to see where my error lies for not being able to maintain. You see even though I AM NOT TRYING TO LOSE I still am. Which really scares me. I wanted to lose until I started to look too thin and that time is here or very close! My bottom BMI number is still a few numbers away but I think the extra skin is keeping me above that number. It is obvious that if I continue to lose it would not be healthy. I need to tone up now, if that is even possible with MS.

I have upped my points and am eating all my healthy foods (at least the ones I can eat, cause of my TMJ pain) I have started eating jars of baby food to get in my veggies...now that shows dedication...LOL

Anyway I am hoping that my thinking errors on what is good/bad foods doesn't harm my health. The doctor did lots of blood test and they are all normal. So go figure.

I just wish there were more support out there for those of us like me that are trying to transition to maintenance. The fear of eating higher calorie foods is REAL for me. I am scared I will go back to my old habits and weight:(

Also it's been just over a year of me allowing my self worth and getting my validations from losing weight. So another thinking error is "What is going to replace that void in my life?" I am currently researching my options in speaking to a Social Worker that deals with people like me.

But I have gained so much wisdom from my blog friends that I was hoping you could give me some FREE advise! So fire away!!! Thank you, SMILE!

What's next!

First, I will start with happy news. The surgeon said I am healing better than he expected and has released me from the cast that held me driveless (both in exercise and car). And now I am able to walk with freedom. Yeah!

Second, Christmas had its moments. I have a wonderful family and the ones I got to share it with made it even better. I miss my boy who is still in prison more and more every year. I wanted to share the only picture of me taken at Christmas this year, not cause I didn't want my picture taken but, because I was the one taking all the shots. This is my brother who I love and adore very much.And of course there is a shot of me and my grand baby:Third, I got to meet another blog friend who was visiting UT from Oregon for the holidays. I just love meeting new people. If you have never met or read her blog I encourage you to. She is incredible. You can find Margene's blog here. Here is a photo of us with our better halves. I didn't feel very good this day so hence the bad hair.
And lastly, I continue to drop the pounds. I only have a couple more and I have hit the low end of my healthy BMI. I love the fact that I am looking good and finally am up on both of my feet walking again. I pray that 2011 will continue to bring me good health.

BUT, like I said there is a downside. boo hoo.

Because of all the side effects of my Trigeminal Neuralgia and my brain surgery. It has cause me to have an uneven bite in my jaw. Long story but can only use 1 side of my mouth. I now have TMJ; which hit right before the holidays. UGH!

If you have not heard of this before, it is quite painful and causes my jaw to lockup. The doctor has me on a soft food diet and lots of meds. I miss my fresh raw veggies and fruits and all the health foods that require chewing. I have turned to eating sugary creamy foods. YUK! Surprisingly I have not seen any change on the downward numbers with the scales. It is most likely credited to the fact I eat like a mouse taking in tiny bits of food a day. I hope I do not require further surgery to repair my jaw. See I told you WHAT'S NEXT!

All and all I am grateful to be alive and am looking forward to a new year, especially summer, wearing a size 8! Happy New Year!

Dropping by to say:

I am still alive and doing well. Hope you all are having a Merry Christmas. Stay warm and safe. Love you all.

I feel over whelmed.

HOLY CRAP! I have been away from blogging for awhile now. I thought I would check in and read a few today since I am SNOWED in. I HATE THE SNOW! But OMG there are way too many to read. Where do I begin? I think I will just NOT read any and pretend I am just starting over. So if you think I NEED to read something important that I missed you will have to comment here and tell me which one to track down.

My foot is healing slow but I am getting around better now. My MS is still bothering me. UGH! I am still going down on the pounds. Weighed last night and I was 136.9 down from 141 Nov 1st.

I am not going to go to my WW meetings cause I feel they are not helping me. Don't get me wrong I am still grateful that they are there. Just been going for a year now and I know what I need to do so if I am struggling or gaining I will hit my meetings. Until then I remain home. Plus I want to be in control of my final weight loss number not them. I will continue to lose until I feel I am done. I will not go past the healthy BMI guidelines though. So don't start in on the speech, like WW does every week. (hence the reason of me NOT going).

I dressed up in my UTAH UTE gear to go to our rivalry game last Saturday against BYU. We won at the last 3 seconds of the game...OMG it was about to give me a heart attack! Here's some pictures of me at the game:

It was VERY VERY cold at the game!

This is the new me!

It was hard to get the red off but the black washed off easy...LOLI had to get my boot involved in the spirit too.

My Hubby was not going to paint his whole face so he just did his go-tee..Chicken shit!

We flew to Notre Dame a couple of weeks ago to attend the Utes playing the Fighting Irish. We lost that game But the stadium & campus was beautiful. I still had a great time minus the 3 hours during the WET, COLD SAD game! I was a frozen Ute fan at that game:(Waiting at the hotel lobby for my brother before the game.

The tail gate party before the game. Resting my foot which is wrapped with ice.

The huge stadium.

Need I say anymore!

I didn't have my family with me during Thanksgiving so it was kind of depressing. I ate very wisely and lost in the process. Life is good. I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and now let's bring on Christmas!

SMILE!

Shout it from the mountain tops!

After a very long a stressful month, the doctors gave me the OK to put some weight on my foot. Just have to be super careful and use the aide of the knee walker and wheelchair when needed.

I am a WALKING FOOL NOW!

Like if that wasn't exciting enough, I also went to my WW meeting last night too. I was concerned about my weigh in since I have not been mobile for the last 4 weeks. And unable to go weigh in.

Well the scales were very nice to me. I lost 6.8 pounds during those 4 weeks.

INCREDIBLE!

Just goes to show ya that you can lose weight without exercise. I am so disciplined in what I eat, so I am convinced that is the secret to my success.

I love being thin and only wished I had done this years ago. I love the way my clothes fit, and that I can wear anything I see in the stores. I even have noticed people treat me different now that I am smaller. (they are nicer). Go figure!

Getting excited for the BIG football game Saturday. I bought a black wig to wear since it is going to be a BLACKOUT game against TCU. I can't wait to go and cheer on my mighty UTAH UTES! We are still un-defeated so I am a little nervous about this one. We beat TCU in 2008 so I know it can be done. And who knew that we would beat Alabama in the Sugar Bowl, not Alabama that's for sure! LOL

I will post pictures of how silly I look at the game. Until then I AM SMILING BIG!