My miracle

I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I am alive and well. I am currently maintaining my weight at 130. I am in love with my new body and life. My health is still a struggle but I am managing the best I can. Foot surgery is over but still having nerve pain daily. Jaw surgery is healed and no pain or locking of the mouth. My MS is continuing to progress but I don't let it slow me down. Just spent 2 weeks in CA and 4 days camping at girls camp with my 12 year daughter.I wanted to share a miracle that happen to me while at camp.
I will try to not stay away so long in the future. I love you all and hope all is well with my blog family. Here's the video, enjoy!

SMILE!!!!

YEP it's that time again!

It is official. I will be going under the knife on Feb 15th. This one REALLY REALLY worries me on so many levels. I have not got my weight in check with the whole maintaining thing. I am STILL losing which really pisses me off. And the TMJ surgery involves breaking both sides of my jaw re-mending them by wiring my mouth shut for 10 days followed by 6 weeks of rubber bands on the arch bars.

The surgeon said there will be a 15 to 20 pound weight loss while my mouth is recovering. Really can't afford to drop that much. Been trying to gain but have not had much success because of the jaw pain (my jaw locks making it impossible to eat anything not even liquids).

Since the 25 years of MS nerve damage my pain level is very low. So this surgery is very painful for normal people. Not looking forward to being in THAT much pain for so long either. Takes 6-8 MONTHS to recover!

Anyway I know the Lord only gives us trials we can handle. But I really think He has me confused with someone stronger sometimes.

I need ALL my friends to put me in their prayers. If your church or belief has some type of prayer chain I am asking if you could put me on it, please.

I will be taking pictures of my jaw hardware after so you can see how barbaric it looks...

Thinking errors

I have a lot on my mind today. I have been thinking about this post for days now. So I am going to try to express my feelings.

This whole diet journey has really messed up my head with major thinking errors. Let me try to explain.

Yes I have lost 75 + pounds and I am very happy with my new size. (which is now a 8.) But now that I want to STOP losing I can't! I lost another 2.6 last month, UGH!

I noticed you can count my ribs, my chest is sinking in and my ankles are as tiny as the distance of your thumb touching your index finger. The doctor said I am NOT too thin yet, but I need to stop with the weight loss. If not for the extra skin I am carrying around I would be under weight. I really want to stop too. But how!?

I have stopped going to my WW meetings, as of this month, cause they are geared for people who WANT to lose. My leader advised me to just weigh in but not to stay for the meetings til I get some help. I feel like they got me into this mess and now they just kicked me to the curb!

I am very OCD and after a year of being programed to get "bravo's" and "at a girls" for losing; it makes it too hard for me to sit there and not want to join in, so hence I need to stay away from the meetings. (mind games.) They serve no purpose for me at this time of my weight loss journey. I am so grateful for them when I was trying to lose but not now.

Hard to understand I know but it is just how I have to deal with my disorder.

I started tracking again, after not doing so since last March, to see where my error lies for not being able to maintain. You see even though I AM NOT TRYING TO LOSE I still am. Which really scares me. I wanted to lose until I started to look too thin and that time is here or very close! My bottom BMI number is still a few numbers away but I think the extra skin is keeping me above that number. It is obvious that if I continue to lose it would not be healthy. I need to tone up now, if that is even possible with MS.

I have upped my points and am eating all my healthy foods (at least the ones I can eat, cause of my TMJ pain) I have started eating jars of baby food to get in my veggies...now that shows dedication...LOL

Anyway I am hoping that my thinking errors on what is good/bad foods doesn't harm my health. The doctor did lots of blood test and they are all normal. So go figure.

I just wish there were more support out there for those of us like me that are trying to transition to maintenance. The fear of eating higher calorie foods is REAL for me. I am scared I will go back to my old habits and weight:(

Also it's been just over a year of me allowing my self worth and getting my validations from losing weight. So another thinking error is "What is going to replace that void in my life?" I am currently researching my options in speaking to a Social Worker that deals with people like me.

But I have gained so much wisdom from my blog friends that I was hoping you could give me some FREE advise! So fire away!!! Thank you, SMILE!