Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Thinking errors

I have a lot on my mind today. I have been thinking about this post for days now. So I am going to try to express my feelings.

This whole diet journey has really messed up my head with major thinking errors. Let me try to explain.

Yes I have lost 75 + pounds and I am very happy with my new size. (which is now a 8.) But now that I want to STOP losing I can't! I lost another 2.6 last month, UGH!

I noticed you can count my ribs, my chest is sinking in and my ankles are as tiny as the distance of your thumb touching your index finger. The doctor said I am NOT too thin yet, but I need to stop with the weight loss. If not for the extra skin I am carrying around I would be under weight. I really want to stop too. But how!?

I have stopped going to my WW meetings, as of this month, cause they are geared for people who WANT to lose. My leader advised me to just weigh in but not to stay for the meetings til I get some help. I feel like they got me into this mess and now they just kicked me to the curb!

I am very OCD and after a year of being programed to get "bravo's" and "at a girls" for losing; it makes it too hard for me to sit there and not want to join in, so hence I need to stay away from the meetings. (mind games.) They serve no purpose for me at this time of my weight loss journey. I am so grateful for them when I was trying to lose but not now.

Hard to understand I know but it is just how I have to deal with my disorder.

I started tracking again, after not doing so since last March, to see where my error lies for not being able to maintain. You see even though I AM NOT TRYING TO LOSE I still am. Which really scares me. I wanted to lose until I started to look too thin and that time is here or very close! My bottom BMI number is still a few numbers away but I think the extra skin is keeping me above that number. It is obvious that if I continue to lose it would not be healthy. I need to tone up now, if that is even possible with MS.

I have upped my points and am eating all my healthy foods (at least the ones I can eat, cause of my TMJ pain) I have started eating jars of baby food to get in my that shows dedication...LOL

Anyway I am hoping that my thinking errors on what is good/bad foods doesn't harm my health. The doctor did lots of blood test and they are all normal. So go figure.

I just wish there were more support out there for those of us like me that are trying to transition to maintenance. The fear of eating higher calorie foods is REAL for me. I am scared I will go back to my old habits and weight:(

Also it's been just over a year of me allowing my self worth and getting my validations from losing weight. So another thinking error is "What is going to replace that void in my life?" I am currently researching my options in speaking to a Social Worker that deals with people like me.

But I have gained so much wisdom from my blog friends that I was hoping you could give me some FREE advise! So fire away!!! Thank you, SMILE!


  1. I'm sorry you feel that way about Weight Watchers. I try to encourage my lifetime members to come in and get those attaboys for doing things that are keeping them at goal. I try to focus my meetings on all the members, maintainers and those who are losing.

    Eat more... treat yourself to something you haven't had in a while, give yourself the ability to bring back some foods you may have cut out. Eat some healthier higher calorie foods - like nuts, larger portions of lean protein, full fat cheese, etc.

    You can stop the weight loss... I know it. It's hard to "eat more" when you've been focused so long on eating less. You'll get the hang of it.

  2. Love you!! wish I had words to help stop the weight loss.. I have been trying for 30 years to gain weight. (with no success other than being pregnant) I am here to love, support, encourage and anything else you need.

  3. I wish I had wise words for you but I don't. My first thought was that you should consider a medical reason but it sounds like you did that already. Ironically, today I went to a WW meeting to check out the new program.

  4. I wondered about that Lesia, didn't want to say anything to possibly upset or anger you, but I'm glad you brought your thoughts out. It shows you're seeing or rather looking at yourself in a different way. It's great that you've lost the weight. Your initial incentive was for Clay and if it came to the point of him having to lift or carry you, make it easier for him. Good thinking there. Now the weight loss or continuing of loss is scaring you. I had even wondered if your WW chapter was gearing a program for your MS and OCD issues.

    As far as the loose skin. Honey, other than surgery to "tighten" it, the MS is probably the reason it's there. You've mentioned in previous blogs that you've lost muscle tissue/tone. Muscle helps in keeping the body toned, not really in keeping the skin toned. I too have loss of muscle tissue/tone from the Fibromyalgia. Both of our conditions are nerve related disorders and not much we can do to regain what is damaged. We can only do so much at a time, and when we over-do we put our bodies into a "I have to be sick" position. That may not sound right, but it's the best way I can describe it.

    Okay, because of the TMJ, eat or rather, drink your meals. You can use a blender (it needn't be an expensive one), and puree your meals. I had to do that when I had gum surgery. I commented to my dentist "Great! I'll lose weight that way". I was then informed that 99 out of 100 people put on weight because they can put more food in their tummy's. Chewing only breaks the food down enough so we can swallow it, plus that food will have air pockets. Sorry, got a little off track but not really. Anyway....go ahead and eat a little more. A little extra than you are normally doing, each day, and start filling in those empty areas around your chest and ribs, and have a little tummy. You don't have to go whole hog and Lesia, I know you can overcome this. You weren't happy being at the higher weight and you're not happy at what you're seeing in the mirror at this new lower weight. A happy medium. Do what Jams suggested. If you gain even 5 lbs. back, it's NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

  5. You need to incorp some healthy eats to maintain... (there should be a class for this) and you got a full plate with you TMJ

  6. Not sure what to say, I've not hit my goal weight yet, so don't know how I would feel. I know that it takes a lot of time and effort to get the weight off...For me I'm always thinking about weight loss and/or doing something like tracking food, going to meetings, gym time etc. Most likely you will still need to do what you've done while you were losing weight...tracking food etc but not with the same intensity. So likely, you will have more time on your hands to do other things. If I were in your shoes, I would...

    -Develop your maintenance plan. If weight watcher does not have something to help - use the extra time to research (on the web) and see if you can find maintenance information. If you can't find what you are looking for, maybe you can develop your own program. What if you found something that would help other people with MS who are on maintenance. You could approach ww and see if you could implement your plan with their program.

    Or you could....And I've been meaning to tell you this for a could write a book or be a motivational speaker! You have sure inspired me!!!

    Leesa, your journey is extrodianary! You have accomplished so much, even with MS. You have a tremdous zest for life and I think you can truly help others. I think there is so much out there for you to do.

    Now is the time, to take your eyes off of losing weight, get a sensible maintenance program in place, and set out and do what you were DESIGNED TO DO!!

    Just my thoughts!

    Keep focused!

  7. I think it's a good thing that you recognise you need to stop losing more weight. When I lost all my weight the first time, it took friend, colleagues and my doctor to tell me I had to stop, and I STILL thought I looked fat... Of course, now I'm in the process of losing the weight again (regained most of it through one reason and another) I can see just how thin I was getting...

    I have no advise to give you, just glad you recognise it's time to stopl. Hope someone can give you proper advice on how to go about it...

  8. On my plan, going into maintenance means eating fruits, and more starchy veggies like potatoes, and pasta, and bread. Not sure what you are eating, but I recommend whole wheat pasta, potatoes, beans and bread to help stabilize your weight...

    Polar's Mom

  9. I don't know what your specific issues are - since I have the exact opposite problem. But I think that maybe seeing a therapist or getting into a group for eating issues may be a great check in for you. Not saying you have those issues, but maybe it would help you gain some perspective or a nugget of truth that you can cling to.

    I think that your fear is real - and it is powerful. I'm not sure what I can do to help, but I'm certainly thinking of you.

  10. I think that you reaching to for help is great. It takes a lot of courage to see that there is a problem and to want to fix it. Are you eating every 2.5-3 hours? What are you eating? You may need more calories. Please feel free to email me anytime. I am here to listen or help in any way I can.... dawn @ bare it all fitness

  11. WoW! I am no where close to goal, so I have no idea what to say except, you look great!!

  12. relax, worry less, eat more

    you look great, I can relate to there not being a lot of maintenance blogs, but there are a few, search them out


  13. If you've stopped trying to lose and are still losing, then please be sure to have the docs check out your hormones and stuff--it's how I figured out I have Graves--and you know with the MS, the chances of another autoimmune thing are higher (fact I live with too!)

    That fear of higher calorie foods--I totally get that! But you've come so far! You've met goals! I think that you need to give yourself a bit more credit and just eat what feels right, monitor your body and be truthful to yourself how you feel after eating some of those higher calorie foods.

    Remember to keep it healthy! Not to much, not too little. And Know that there are blogging friends here for you no matter what stage you are in!

  14. Thinking of you today. I hope you are doing well my friend!!!

    Take care of yourself!!

    Sending hugs your way!

  15. Good job losing all those pounds;praying for you.

  16. Oh Lesia- I am a little behind in my blog reading so I had no idea you were going through this. I think you are definately on the right path by recognizing that there is a problem and trying to fix it. That is half the battle. you will figure this out! I will say a prayer for you.