Nerves!

Just can't get into the blog lately. Maybe it's due to the fact I am scared of my weigh in, cause I missed last week. (vacation) Even though I ate VERY wisely I am still nervous.

"Only having a few more pounds to lose is the hardest". I have heard that so much, that it is really scaring me. I am doubting my dedication in losing all my weight and not being happy no matter what size I get to.

I've heard from so many people on just how good I am looking, but when I see myself in photos I still see a fat girl. Will I ever be happy? And if I don't loose, like I think I should every week, I am worried I may just give up and never reach goal. Would that be something that I could live with? Probably not because I am not good at failure. Weigh in is tomorrow night. UGH!

I spend many hours trying to read all my followers blogs and hearing their struggles breaks my heart. I really have a hard time understanding some of their issues and it makes me realize that I am NOT the norm! My doctors and husband have been telling me that for years. But I just laughed at them til now.

My Vacation to California

Mission Beach, CA

1st let me start by saying I had a blast! I loved the beach and everything about San Diego. We met our family friends, Tami and Scott, Sunday (Father's Day) at the beach. Where we had the time of our lives. The temps were fabulous and the water was fantastic. With my balance issues I needed a lot of help from Clay. I think I bruised his arm from holding on so tight. LOL The waves were strong and big. I actually went in a second time where I swam way out there and had a great time, but no one took any pictures of that:( Regardless Clay, Kayla and I had a great Father's Day at the beach. Enjoy the slide show. And yes those are my boobs..I sewed a Victoria Secrets bra in the suit so I had a cleavage...LOL I was really happy to see how I looked too.

Sea World Sky Tower Ride
The Sky Tower Ride is a view of the park and the surrounding bay. It went way up and rotated so you could see the full view. We went to Sea World where we met my NEW found BFF's (Vern & Vickie). I met them via my blog and it was the BEST thing that happened. Thank you Vickie for making our day at Sea World ROCK! We had so much fun there that we actually went back a second day. We didn't get to see everything the 1st trip and so we decided to skip the Wild Kingdom Zoo and go back to Sea World. So glad we did. Kayla's allergies get to her at the San Diego Zoo. So I thought the Wild Kingdom would have been too much for her.

Dolphins
Not many photos of the dolphins. I loved the Dolphin show but Kayla HAD to sit in the SOAK ZONE and I didn't want to get my camera wet. Hence very little pictures. And YES we got wet but not SOAKED. This was a fabulous show I wish they had a DVD of the show. It was called The Blue Horizons. I guess its a new show with lots of drivers and etc. Feeding the dolphins was an experience I will never forget. They are so darn cute.

Shark Exhibit, etc..
Ok I put photos of things that were cool but not enough to have its own slideshow. You will see our photos with the Sea World characters, the shark exhibit along with the Wild Arctic Exhibit. They have a very cute Pet show that was adorable too. My favorite Wild Arctic animal was the Beluga Whales. They were so fun to watch. And of course Kayla is always looking for a perfect photo moment. LOL

The Shamu Show
This was hands down the best. We bought the DVD and have watched it already. The trainers don't get in the tank anymore but they put on an awesome show. I saw it in the SOAK ZONE and then again up high so I could get some good photos. I hope you enjoy this show.

Sea Lion Show
I never knew they could be so smart. Great show and awesome trainers.

Cirque de la Mer Show
This show is creatures from the fantasy land of Amphibia and they entertain you with extreme acrobatics. They are way strong and fun to watch.

I had more places that we visited on our vacation but this was my highlights. We visited 2 other beaches, the San Diego Zoo, Old Town, the LDS Mormon temple, and did tons of shopping. I bought a beautiful coral ring and too many tee shirts along with coffee mugs. On the way to CA we stayed at my cousin and visited Zions National Park. On the way home we stayed in Vegas. Where we rode the rides at the top of the Stratosphere (my all time rides), saw the Bellagio fountains (I was looking for George Clooney but no luck), the Mirage Volcano, and the Treasure Islands show to name a few. All in all the trip was the best! I want to move to San Diego really bad but the reality is we can't afford the homes out there. So it will be the vacation spot to be at, as often as we can go. I hope I didn't waste your time by posting all these slide shows but I didn't even add ALL the picture we took.

I need your advise...

I am home safe and sound. I have a question for my followers. There are so many different ways that I could share my vacation photos. Should I do separate slide shows for each event, like the beach, zoo, Sea World, etc. OR just 1 slide show OR selective photos (which will be hard for me to choose from) I took hundreds of the whole trip. Please help me decide. Vote on your preference. Thank you,

I will miss you SOOOO much....

We are leaving tomorrow at noon for California. I am way excited but I will be missing my computer for that week. I don't have a laptop so no blogging for me:( No reading other's blogs or nothing...Boo Hoo! While I am gone I would kindly ask that NONE of you write ANYTHING fun or interesting til I get back.

We will be going to San Diego for the 1st time. I have everything packed and ready to go. I spent hours yesterday weighing/measuring all my healthy foods and putting them in baggies with the point values written on it. I am being prepared for success and I am determined NOT to gain ANY weight this week. I will be taking lots of pictures so until then this is the best I could find.


I will be going to Sea World with a WW blogger that I met from my blog a few months ago. I am way excited to finally meet her and her family. Here we come Vickie! I hope you are ready to have some fun.

So please remember don't blog about ANYTHING funny or fantastic while I am away.

I will be reading my last blogs tonight, so hurry and write what you want before I go. LOL

My weekend concert.

This is an update of my weekend event. We went to an outdoor concert for 11 hours in the rain. Because we could not bring in any food I was stuck with the vendors had. I think I made the best choices. I had a $9.00 salad with chicken and salsa, popcorn (non buttered) a pretzel and 2 hot chocolates. I smuggled my water in. That was my whole calorie in take for the day. I know really low but I wasn't hungry. But I danced my butt off at the concert, if that counts for anything. Even with my foot hurting I was up and moving.

I took my daughter, Kayla, 2 of my dear friends, Heidi & Ray, and I drug my hubby along too. Kayla made out like crazy. She won 2 tee shirts, got to touch Eddie Montgomery, autographs from Emily West and the John Singleton band, caught Eli Young's guitar pick and ate tons of food. It was a very cold and a very wet day but totally worth it.

Did I mention
I LOVE Country Music!

My magic number...

Weighed in last night, and I lost 2 pounds! Hurray for me. BUT I am still at the darn SIXTY number. I can't believe it is taking so loooong to get past that stupid number. Only .2 pounds to get past the 60's. UGH! But it maybe my lucky number cause when I logged into my blog this morning I noticed I had 60 followers. Hurray for me again! And what's up with this weather out here. It's June 11th on the temps are in the, you guessed it, 60's! I have a HUGE country concert tomorrow too and it's outdoors. Calling for colder weather and thunderstorms. Maybe it will rain meatballs...

I know I can do it. I am feeling better about myself. I will get past this magic number of 60. Hurry someone join my blog as a follower and maybe the curse will be lifted. LOL

Another news flash is my FOOT IS NOT BROKEN!!! I know Stupid HUH! Let me explain. Reader's Digest version is~I got a second opinion yesterday from an Orthopedic Surgeon not just a Podiatrists. And he looked at the MRI and said he saw nothing that resembled a break old or new. He thinks I have a pinched nerve in my ankle that is causing the pain to my heel (referred pain). When I stand my right foot rolls in and is causing the nerve pain. So next step is to get fitted with special orthoptedic inserts and see if that corrects it. So I feel like a human Ginnie Pig! Wish me luck.

Who knew....?

I went shopping!!! I normally HATE shopping for myself cause there isn't any cute clothes in my size. But NOT today! I can even shop in the Juniors now. Who knew!!! I bought my very first size 12 pants and my shirt is a large. To update you with my old size I was a 22 and I liked my shirts to be baggy (1 to hide the rolls of fat, 2 to hide the fact I had no boobs). So the shirt sizes were 2X.

You can probably imagine how excited I was to wear a size 12. 12 in Women's that is. In juniors I wear a 15. I like the low rise jean fit and I only found them in juniors but a size 15 is hard to find so I am still shopping in the women's today. I need a cute outfit to go on our trip next week to San Diego, CA. So I bought a few shirts and these white pants.
Notice my right foot is up off the ground. It was hurting so bad. So I didn't last very long before I had to go back in and sit down. I like the fact I have an hour glass shape (well kind of) unlike my pear shape before the weight loss and new boobs. Still not happy with my appearance and I hope I will be once I lose another 19 pounds and reach my goal. My gut/butt is too big still I think. Anyway I am liking the new look enough to get my picture taken. My daughter and her silly poses...(I am not going to post those).

The RUT!

I haven't been in a blogging mood for a few days now for a couple of reasons. I am stuck at 160 and it seems like I will NEVER get past it. My health issues are not like they were when I started WW. (they are worse, not due to the weight loss)

So I am not able to cook all these yummy meals or track like a maniac like I used too. Moving around is painful and I am depressed over it too. (still trying to get my exercise in but not as much as I want) Just as I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, someone shuts the door. My pants are not getting any baggier either. I know as I get closer to goal it will go slower but that just doesn't sit well in my controlling lifestyle. (and I AM NOT patient!)

I gained last Thursday and I was okay with it BUT if I gain 2 weeks in a row I fear I will give up and just say the HELL with it all. I have NOT eaten one thing that is unhealthy all this time. I read about all these blogger friends who are struggling with the foods they know they shouldn't be eating. And I think WOW, I am so lucky that I am not tempted to do that but then I still am not losing. Where's the logic in that? I am not over eating and I feel I am getting enough calories in a day. Just not as active and I can not control that.

So I am stuck in a BIG RUT. On a happier note that goes sad in seconds...I love my new boobs but not feeling the love from hubby over them. BOO HOO...*sob*

Not looking forward to my weigh in tomorrow. I have a second opinion with an Orthopedic Surgern tomorrow too. Maybe I will start to understand how I can get this 15 year old foot fracture to heal. Going to Physical Therapy to stretch the archilles tendon, so it will stop pulling my bone apart, when I try to walk. I am so sick of this I could scream...I am no longer wearing the boot. They said it will NOT heal and surgery will NOT work so in a nut shell I am supposed to "JUST WOMEN UP!" and deal with the pain of walking with a fractured heel. Hence the second opinion. IDIOTS!!!!!

Just know I READ ALL your post and comment when the urge is felt to say something. You all are keeping me focused and thanks for your support. I have the BEST BLOGGER family alive.

ooh la la....

Well for those of you that have been following my IBTC post, this is the option I chose. Went shopping at Victoria Secret and bought 2 new bras. 1 was the Miraculous Bra and the other was the natural push up with extra padding. The 2 cost $112.00 which is way cheaper then the alternative solution. And I TOTALLY love my new BOOBS! I would take a picture of my new cleavage but I didn't feel like that was very appropriate or modest. But I WILL tell you that my hubby REALLY likes them and that made me very happy. I love the whole VALIDATION thing...

So my daughter took these pictures for me. She was so cute. You should have seen her eyes, when I came out of my room with my new boobs. She hurried and grabbed the camera and started having me do these really funny poses. She turned to my hubby and said "You are SOOOO lucky to have a wife that looks like THAT. You could be married to ....." (that .... was a not so cute person). Remember she is only 11. Kids and the funny things they say. LOL

This was a pose she picked for me to post. NOT my idea.

If I had to say anything about this experience it would be

IT WAS THE BEST $112.00 I HAVE EVER SPENT!

I DID IT!

I rode my trike to the West Jordan Park, where I met up with lots of WW members and their friends and family. We were doing a 5K Walk for fitness together to get people out and moving. I got special permission to ride my trike and my husband and 11 year daughter rode with me. There aren't many other people in these pictures cause I rode on the road that went around the park and the others walked on the sidewalk. My daughter rode in the basket most of the time. Then she would jump out on take a few pictures, running up ahead to catch a shot.

The ride to the park was a mile one way so the total ride was 5.2 miles. The sun was shining so it was pretty hot too. I had a lot of fun with my family and it was way cool to do the 5K. (even with a broken foot). This is the first time I have ever did any sort of a K walk/rode. So cool!

My daughter in the basket.

Getting ready to start.

Riding along with my hubby.

True determination riding up the last hill at the end of the 5K.

I just crossed the finish line.

I made it!

My certificate.

What a FANTASTIC day!

less food=weight gain?

I am not understanding why if losing weight is a simple math formula. "In order to have a loss you need to create a calorie deficit. Meaning less food in and more activity causes weight loss." Then WHY when I don't eat and I exercise my butt off, I am not losing? (I mean don't get me wrong I have lost 50 pounds.) But with that math formula I should be losing way faster and more. Just saying. Doesn't make sense to me but oh well. Just another mystery.

part 2 of IBTC post.

I sure got a lot of comments on my Itty Bitty Titty Committy blog post. Thank you for all your comments. As a follow up to that post I thought I would add this. I wasn't going to go there but I thought I needed my cyber friends to understand me better. So here it goes: Caution...TMI ahead.

A few weeks ago my husband informed me that he really likes to see a good pair of boobs. Not big ones just like a size C with a cleavage. WOW...Are you kidding me! We have been married 15 years and I never knew that. I have always had issues with mine but it wasn't a BAD issue til NOW. Sure I have discussed the thought of getting a boob job, but with my MS the doctors would not consider me, so I stopped stressing about it.

Sure my intimacy life has been affected, from my MS over the 10 years, but I understood that it wasn't anything I could do about it. So I plugged along anyway. He really never made me feel unattractive but again "How could he find me attractive at the size I was at?" I didn't, so why would he. We really never talked about it but it was an unspoken understanding that we both were struggling with. Just as I was starting to get my self esteem back, (losing 50 pounds) I had a slap hit me in the face. "Where did my boobs go?" "They were there just yesterday"And then the new info about my husband's interest in the cleavage..UGH!

I know what you are all saying that I should not let that affect my self esteem. But that is easier said than done. My husband is my biggest supporter and I love him dearly. So pleasing him is a big thing to me. A very good friend brought to my attention, "that after I get a boob job done, will that make everything better? What if he starts loving you A LOT more and can't keep his hands off you? Isn't he in a lose-lose situation?" Yep he sure is! So I don't think I will be getting a boob job. I have been researching bras that Victoria Secret has that will help with the cleavage. Haven't tried yet but I am hopeful. My fear is you have to have something there to be able to create a cleavage. VS really has it's work cut out with me. So as long as he makes me feel good when the bra comes off I can handle the fake ones with the bra on.(cheaper too) And I think I need to see a therapist also. Just another day in my screwed up life!

P.S. PLEASE PLEASE do not trash my hubby. I love him too much to hear mean things. Just support me, OK?

Itty Bitty Titty Committy...

I am going to go out on a limb here, even out of my comfort zone. But here I go. I was never blessed as a women to have big boobs. The only time I can remember being happy with my bra size was when I was breast feeding my son and that was short lived cause I didn't like it. (not the boobs, the feeding)

Even in school I was in a group called Itty Bitty Titty Committy. Short we called it IBTC. I think I was the president. I have always wanted the boobs and I was so jealous of my friends who had them. So I was not only fat but I had tiny boobs. Not a good combo.

So last night I was getting my night gown on and it really was an eye opener. Not only was this nighty too big but it was WAY too big at the top. I just sat there and stared in the mirror. I was in so much shock I didn't even know what to say. Then reality hit and I knew I was doomed. YEP my boobs were gone. I mean really gone. I don't even think a training bra would do me justice. I even compared them to my husband's and I am pretty sure his are bigger.

WHY!!! WHY!!! I didn't want my boobs to lose any weight...Too late now. So I talked to my hubby about getting a boob job when I get to goal. He said it was up to me but I think it wouldn't take much convincing for him to pay for them. My reward for losing the weight was going to be a trip to Hawaii. Now I am rethinking the whole thing. Lets see Hawaii? or Boobs? (no brainier) If I can find a doctor who will be willing to do it, with me having MS, then I think I will. I think a size C would be a dream!

Then there is the pain and not being able to lay on my tummy for 6 weeks. I am a tummy sleeper so that will be hard for me. And it crossed my mind that I will be 50 in February. Am I too old to have a boob job? My life is like 1/2 over so why worry about them now? So many thoughts going through my head.

So right before I cried myself to sleep, my hubby said "IF you decide to get them, you need to ask how much they weigh, so you aren't going to freak out at the scales." What a thing to think about. How funny. I think THAT weight gain would be OK with me. But he has a point. Decisions so many decisions..

Obese?

Just when I thought I was making progress I find I am still considered OBESE. I found out my body fat for my age, height and gender is in the category of being obese. So I am in a really bad mood and not sure what to do about it. Will I ever be OK with my self image? At least when I weighed 200 plus I KNEW I was obese, but it is a real blow to hear that at a size 13 I am still obese. So will I ever be OK with my body? Probably not...this sucks!

My butt groove..

My life is very boring right now. Doing the same thing everyday. Getting really tired of it too. So yesterday I decided I was NOT going to just sit in my assigned seat with my foot up in the air. I asked my hubby to get my tricycle down from the rafters in the garage and hook my foot up on the pedal. So he did. Surprisingly enough I was able to go for a 3 mile bike ride around the neighborhood. The weather was over cast and windy so it was a bit different then riding my exercise bike in my dining room. I even went for a little ride on his Harley. That was a bit painful though. The vibration of the bike irritated my foot. So I think I will pass on that one next time.

I got a lot of strange looks as I rode past the people outside. I guess it did look funny with my BIG boot tied to the bike pedal or even on the Harley. It felt really good to get outside and even more to ride my tricycle. My goal this summer was to be able to ride the new 2 wheel bike that I got for Mother's day. But then when my foot became an issue, that goal went out the door. BUT I will someday get on that bike and learn to ride it.

My balance is very unstable from my MS but I was getting better so I know I will again after my fracture heals. For those of you that had not heard, my heel has a very bad fracture and the MRI showed that it was an old one that never healed. Having no feeling in my feet for so many years, I am not surprised that I had no idea that I had broke it. But the chances of it healing on its own is slim. I may have to get it re-broke or what they call "micro fractures" to allow it to heal. This is NOT what I wanted to hear. Being as active as I have the last few months re-injured that fracture. I guess walking barefoot on the treadmill, exercise bike and even basketball was not smart. I go back to the surgeon next Monday to see what he thinks the next move should be.

Anyway it was exciting to get out and at least feel like I am not just taking up space. The weather has turned bad again so I wont be going out today. I will be back in my assigned seat, where I have formed a very nice butt groove by the way. UGH!