Why do I do this to myself? If I were only more like my husband. I am not sure if the way I deal with STRESS is something I learned or was born with. All I know is I HATE IT! Knowing that MS is triggered by STRESS, it's no darn wonder I have it! There are a lot of things in the life that a person can STRESS about. I think I know them ALL! And if I haven't found one I am sure I will soon.
Here's a little back ground on my life~I never really tried to loose weight before. A few of years ago I went to the MD Diet Center and joined and I did loose with the aide of their shots and pills. But I didn't learn any good eating habits (unless you call their pills good). The reason behind me joining that center was the fact that my health was getting to a point that I may have to be carried, due to my lack of strength. I knew at the weight I was at my poor husband would not be able to carry my fat butt very far if at all. So I wanted to get light for his sake as well as mine. After I lost weight my health improved and I no longer was STRESSED on having to be carried anymore. I kept the weight down for a couple years then it slowly started to gain on me again. I never got as heavy as I was before I started the MD Diet plan but I did gain a lot of it back.
Now I want to loose the weight to look better. I never really had the whole YO-YO thing before. And even now that I am doing WW I haven't had to deal with it like some of my friends are. I think that would really be a hard one. Just having a couple of weeks where I only lost .6 pounds was so STRESSFUL. I can't even imagine how hard it is week after week for some of my friends. I know my day will come and I feel sorry for any one in my path. Cause I think I would be a big pain in the rear!
Hitting close to 50 years old makes me STRESSED! I don't want look OLD I want to look as young as I feel. I keep my hair colored (even have been known to put pink and purple in it). I go tanning too (cause brown fat looks thinner than white fat). I missed out on all the cute clothes too. Adopting my 11 year old grand daughter is keeping me young I guess. (being in good health for her is STRESSFUL too) Did I mention I STRESS?
Not having really done too many diet programs makes me a greenie. I try so hard to do what I learn at my meetings and I over think everything I do. I get way STRESSED when I don't get all my healthy foods or come even close to my daily points. (I usually don't even get 18). Because I have OCD I think that this program maybe pushing me into a STRESS attack. I know I can do it and I have for the last 6 months. But I am getting STRESSED that I might not be able to get to where I want to be. The more I STRESS the sicker I get! I am a control freak and I think the Lord knew that with the MS I would quickly learn that I can not control that! So as I try to control my MS I become (you got it) more STRESSED! Sometimes my attacks can last days or weeks. What if this attack goes for weeks and I can't exercise and in return my weight goes up? I will really hate myself and even become so depressed that it scares me that I might just give up. STRESS! But I am trying to control my diet and my healthy lifestyle.
So I set my mind that I was going to drop 50 pounds and as a reward my husband and I would go to Hawaii. Now that I am only 4.8 pounds from that goal I am STRESSED that I might actually get there. (THEN WHAT!!!) Going to Hawaii is very scary for me cause it is out of my comfort zone. Yes, I know it is a beautiful place to go and I should be SO happy and excited to go. BUT the thought of going to a place I have never been before STRESSES me out.
With all this STRESS I just need to re-learn how to manage my anxiety better. I hate the feeling of taking Valium. (1 is good but not when you have to take them every 8 hours for days). I am a scale weight watcher. Meaning I weigh myself every night before bed just to see where I am. Usually by Sunday I can see something different on the scales from my Thursday night weigh in results. (normally it is less). But this week I am reading the same and it makes me wonder if I am going to have a gain at the last minute. I am still eating healthy but this week I am not able to exercise and my husband is FORBIDDING me to even think about it either. He and I both know I have to rest. Again more STRESS! (Not being able to exercise makes me feel like I am a failure) More STRESS!
With the help of my close friends and support members I am really going to lean on them to get me through this hard time. So if you see tears in my eyes and you think I need a hug, I probably do! I am not a good writer but I try to say whats on my mind I hope it made sense. Ty for taking the time to read this. Love you all!
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