addiction?

Addiction, what does that mean? Addiction is a dependence on a behavior or sub-stance that a person is powerless to stop. There are so many things that a person can be addicted to. Too many to name. There are bad things and even good things that are addicting. So why am I blogging about this you may ask? Well let me begin with this.

I have always thought that I do not have an addictive personality. My children on the other hand do. My past behaviors have made me think that way. I smoked for a very short time and then just STOPPED. I did cocaine and then STOPPED. I drank then STOPPED. It seemed to me that it was very easy for me to STOP something that I witnessed in others to have a very hard time STOPPING. Hence the non-addictive personality conclusion.

I really never was an OVER eater just a poor eater. So when I decided to STOP with the bad eating I thought this will be like the other habits and I will just STOP. And I did! I do not struggle with having bad foods in the house. I just STOPPED. I have not been on a diet before yet I have had issues with being fat my whole life. It was not a priority to lose the weight so I never did. I don't expect everyone to understand or even feel sorry for me. Just wanted to give you some insight in my life. I guess I allowed my health issues to become a bigger priority than me losing the weight.

So now the root of this post today! Yesterday I made a decision to have my husband put the scales WAY up high so I would not be able to get them. He did that and I was happy for a minute. Then this overwhelming feeling came over me that I had not felt before. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew it was not normal for me. I tried to put it out of my head and focused on other things. Out of sight out of mind. But every time I stepped in the bathroom (where the scales used to be) that feeling came back. "Is this an addiction that I am feeling?"

I pondered on that for the evening and I had dreams about those SCALES all night. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I so DID NOT want to have an addiction! All these years I have been telling myself that I did not have THAT personality. So what is actually going on? It could be worse I guess. I could have a lot of other things to be addicted to. So if putting the scales away caused my whole personality to turn ugly. (0 to BITCH in .5 seconds)Then I want them back.

He took the scales down I weighed myself and immediately I felt better. YEP I am addicted! But I understand the whole body fluctuation and the don't just measure your success on the scales. I only am using the scales as a way to keep me focused on the big picture. I would hate to go a whole week and then see I really screwed up. I NEED to know on a daily basis that I am on track and I am doing ok. So the scales are not my enemy (bad) they are my friend (good).

What a break through for me today. Like I mention at the beginning there are 2 types of addictions. Bad for you and GOOD for you. OK this is my story and I am sticking to it!

The point...

I just looked at my WW log and saw it is taking me longer to lose 5 pounds. I have been hitting the 5 pound loss on an average of every 3 weeks. But this last 5 took 5 weeks. It scares me to think it will even take longer to lose the smaller I get. I guess I will really need lots of peep talks to NOT get discouraged in reaching my goal. I hear the words but I need to really understand them. I need to be OK with it and NOT give up. I hear so many people just give up when they reach this point. But my thought is this is the POINT OF NO RETURN! (sorry the clip uploaded really big for some reason)



I love, love, love this movie. And even though the video has NOTHING to do with weight loss, it does tie into my theme of NO RETURN....enjoy.

Hip Hip Hurray!

When I started this journey last Oct I just wanted to lose 50 pounds. That was something that I thought I would never do. It was just a dream. See being in a wheelchair for 14 plus years, I had made it a fact in my mind that I could not loss weight. Not being able to walk, let alone exercise, meant I could not lose the weight. I was told for years that you have to exercise in order to lose weight. So I let myself believe I was doomed to be fat.

So after I had my brain surgery and I started to get more mobile, I set my mind with this idea to just try it, what do I have to lose right? I joined WW and as I listened to the program I thought "hey, I can do this. I don't have to exercise." And I was right for the first 16 weeks I DID NOT EXERCISE whatsoever. And I dropped 22 pounds. Wow I thought I have passed the exercise test so now lets see if I can lose even more if I try to do some type of exercise. I know it wasn't going to be a 5k or an early morning stroll around the block. But I could ride the exercise bike. When I started I was barely able to do 3 minutes worth or 1 mile.

I am very stubborn and I was not about to let this bike beat me. So I pressed really hard everyday. I was so excited when I was able to ride 10 minutes. So can you guess how I felt when I rode 15 miles in 70 minutes. Yep that's what I got up to till....(the foot injury). I am slowly working back up even with the boot on. Rode 7.5 just yesterday.

Anyway the story behind this blog post is....


50 pounds gone...I still have some more to lose, since I lowered my end goal to a lower weight. I just can't get enough of this...NOT! Really its the fact I have a mirror and I don't like what I see yet. Maybe I will never be happy with that mirror but I am loving the ride getting there. So very happy and proud that I did it!

Blog Hop post

Welcome to my tour. Here are the questions I was asked to answer. Because I am limited to the account of time my foot can handle at the computer, this will be short and sweet.

1~Post a before picture.

2~Post your most current after picture. Actually I have lost 15 more pounds since this photo.

3~State the amount of weight you've lost. 50 pounds.

4~If you are on a specific eating/exercise plan, what is it? I am doing WW. And I ride the exercise bike everyday most of the time for at least 45 minutes.

5~What is your favorite healthy snack? (share a pic if you have one) Skinny cow ice cream sandwiches.

6~What is the biggest life lesson you’ve learned on your journey? If I set my mind to something I can do it.

7~What is the biggest strength you’ve discovered about yourself? I have a will power. And I am not addicted to food.

8~What has been your toughest struggle? The number on the scales. And not being able to walk/run because of my MS.

9~Who has been your biggest supporter and why? My husband who always is so willing to fix my meals and reminds me that I need to eat.

10~When you get to goal, what will you do next? Hopefully I will have learned that I can eat like this forever and I wont have to track everyday. Go on a trip as a reward to celebrate my victory. I think we are going to Hawaii.

11~What do you wish someone had told you when you first began? That I would be required to eat even if I wasn't hungry.

12~Share any other words of wisdom you want to share. Sometimes even if you think you have done everything right the weight will not show on the scales but will in your clothes.

13. MOST IMPORTANT: At the end of your post, link to Karen from http://www.muffinfixation.blogspot.com/ .

Step away from the scales!

I don't think there has been NOT ONE blog that I have read that doesn't struggle with that STUPID scale! So it brings me comfort to know I AM NOT CRAZY OR ALONE. I weigh myself everyday (most the time twice).

My poor husband has to hear me yell out the number from the bathroom. And if it is a good reading he gets the pleasure of seeing me do my "I lost victory dance". But then there are the times he has to see the tears and frustration of "OMG are you kidding me, I was lighter JUST yesterday, WTF!". Having my OFFICIAL weigh in on Thursday always brings me anxiety the few days prior. It seems on Sundays I weigh my lightest and then it slowly creeps up to a number higher than I want by Thursday. I still, almost always, seem to have a loss but not like on Sunday.

So the saying in my house is "STEP AWAY FROM THE SCALES!" So why don't I do it? I wish I had the answer. But as long as the number is going down its all good. But if I weighed in on Sunday it would be even better....UGH!

My Sunshine award.

This is my second blog post today, please don't skip over my one from this morning. Its one of my favorites. It's the 7 things about me that you don't know. Now for this one.Thanking Anne @ http://smallerfunpants.blogspot.com/ for this cool award. I read her blog everyday along with her many other followers. I keep coming back to her blog for the genuine words she writes about. How she is real and has an incredible success on the weight she has lost. She is only 1/2 way there but with her determination I know she will do it. I love reading her recipes and food choices and even hearing about her exercise successes. Thank you again Anne.

Getting this awards is like a chain letter. I just got through doing one yesterday and now I am asked to do another one. Since I am supposed to "pay it forward" to 12 bloggers. I first went to their blog and searched for this award before I sent it so I hope if you haven't already received it this is new I hope.

I would love just to name the blogs that I follow and move on, but that just doesn't do them justice in my book.

1. Silvia @http://bigsteps2take.blogspot.com/, She is fighting Type II Diabetes and is doing an incredible job at staying focused to her weight loss program and exercise. Her starting weight is at a low number but she is doing this in my mind to get healthier and I applaud her for that.

2. Lisa @http://nomoredietdrama.blogspot.com/, she is like a walking encyclopedia to me. She takes the time to research her information. She knews what she wants and is willing to do what it takes to get her there. Plus she lives in FL which I am jealous of...LOL

3. Katy @http://projectlookgoodnaked.blogspot.com/, we share the same goals and she is so thoughtful to others. Which I find to be a great quality in this negative world. We need speak kind words and help boost others up on this roller coaster of a ride we call life.

4. Helen @http://doingaone-eighty.blogspot.com/, she is a fantastic inspiration to me. She is fighting a thyroid problem and still enjoys running. I am jealous of her constant strength to fight through this.

5. Genie @http://dietof51.blogspot.com/, we share the same age of generation. Losing weight at the good ole age of 50 plus is no easy task. I like to hear her struggles so I don't feel so weird and alone.

6. Jams @http://jams-runs-her-mouth.blogspot.com/, she was one of my 1st blogs that I folowed. Seeing her before and after picures gave me hope that I can do this. She is an exercise junking and I have grown to love her excitement.

7. Karen @http://waistingtimeblog.com/, surprisingly I have found Karen to be a strong example to me. Surprisingly is because I am learning from her that the size of a person is not the important thing. We need to love ourselves no matter what size we are.

8. Ana @http://veganana1.blogspot.com/, love, love, love her goal setting ideas. It keeps me focused on the long goal. These mini goals are very important and I have learned that from Ana.

9. Vickie @http://vernswifevickie.blogspot.com/, I just love Vickie. I look forward to meeting her when I go to CA. She is kind and her photos are great too. As a visual person such as I , I enjoy the pictures that she takes the time to do.

10. Traci @http://tracitreasures.blogspot.com/, she is a young mom (young to me) and you can just tell from her blog that she adores being a mom and wants to do this journey not only for herself but her family. Such a sweet girl.

11. Tori @http://adayinthelifeoffredbird.blogspot.com/,I was impressed by her comments that she leaves on my blog. It seems like she already has met me. Knowing that she takes the time to read my words and then comments is a great feeling.

12. TaDa @http://caloriecountfood.blogspot.com/, Again we have so much in common and I know when I read her blog it some how fits into my life. Its like the Lord knew to put us as blogger friends. I hope some day to meet her and just give her the biggest hug that she so deserves from me.

Now TAG your IT!!!!!

The rest of the story.

When I received the beautiful blogger award I was not aware that I needed to post 7 things you didn't know about me. So here it goes.

• 1~Went to Alaska last summer, where my dad lives, and stayed on his boat for a few days. While I was there I saw so many wonderful things. I have over 700 pictures of my trip so I will not be uploading them all just a few of the highlights.

The midnight sun
whales
Orca Porpoises
Sea lions
gold mining
drank and ate glazier ice right out of the ocean
caught shrimp
saw a moose
reindeer
saw the pipeline up close and personal
watched husky pups get trained to become sled dogs eagles, Muskox, Sea otters, visited Santa's house at the North Pole, river boat ride, sharks swimming right next to the boat...just to name a few.

But the most exciting thing about the trip is I caught and pulled in a 45 pound halibut. That's right I said 45 pounds!

• 2~My favorite ride at a amazement park is The rocket or the feeling of being shot up in the air. I love the rides at the top of the Vegas Stratosphere.The guy in this picture is a friend, cause my husband was too cheap to buy a ticket to ride it...(I really think he was too scared, but I am not going to tell him that).
  

• 3~I had brain surgery 3 years ago to correct my health issues and get me off a medication that was killing my liver.

• 4~ I love, love, love country music and concerts, I have seen 100's of them and Even had Garth Brooks wave to me in the crowds, Held Billy Dean's hand, Willie Nelson said hi to me over the mic from the stage, and that's just a few. And yes I have pictures but not going to bore you with them.

• 5~I was born and raised on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. Where I learned to have a love of the water. I miss the beach very much and hope to go back soon. I love the sun and everything that goes with it. The sun burn, the sandy beaches, the water sports...etc. I rode my 1st jet ski 2 years ago and I loved it other than the falling off part. LOL.So you ask why did I move to a state with mountains and snow? Good question.

• 6~I love cats but own a toy poodle. He is my constant companion while my husband is at work. We call him Gadget.

• 7~I am a big football fan. My favorite college team is the UTAH UTES. And I am a season ticket holder. I enjoy NFL too but spending the day at a game is the best!

Now you know a little bit more about me. Thanks for looking at a snippet of my life.

My Blog Award.

Even though I am dealing with some challenges right now (family issues, health issues, etc...) I still have taken the time to read my daily blogs and when I opened Katy's this morning this is what I found. What a great way to lift someones spirits. Thank you I needed this.


I am so touched that someone would think of me as a beautiful blogger. I have never been beautiful at anything that I can remember. So this is extra special to me thank you Katy@http://projectlookgoodnaked.blogspot.com.

Now I need to pass it to 7 other people. These are NOT in any order just in the order of remembrance in my mind. It was hard to just name 7 cause I have so many that are deserving of it. So here I go:

1~Sam@http://believeinyourself1.blogspot.com. I love her blog and her words are so up lifting. She is very spiritual and down to earth. I get to see her every Thursday at our weekly WW weigh in meetings. I can relate to her on so many levels. I know if you read her blog you will too.

2~John@http://taking-it-off-for-life.blogspot.com. He is a short and sweet blogger. Sometimes its the small words that we need to hear. Not the lengthy paragraphs that so many of us write. In this busy world we live in who really has time to write a lot and then read everybody's blogs? John is funny and yet down to earth. He takes the time to leave sweet up lifting comments on my blog. If you go and visit his blog you will see what an amazing person he is. He has a long journey but I know he will make it!

3~Quay@http://thefatandthinofit.blogspot.com. Where do I begin with this sweet lady! I continue to read or follow her because she is REAL! She has a sense of humor that will actually make you laugh at loud not just LOL. (there is a difference if you were wondering) Such an incredible ride in her journey to lose weigh. She is a constant reminder to me that we need to look at our inner beauty and be proud of ourselves. Thank you Quay.

4~Julie@http://wwwjulielopez3.blogspot.com. If you ever need a pep talk just go visit Julie. She is an exercise maniac. She constantly shocks me with her energy level. She makes me jealous of her abilities to conquer. She inspires me to press forward with my goals. Thank you Julie for being such a great leader.

5~Celeste@http://289andcountingdown.blogspot.com. She is a new follower that I read everyday. I learned of her on the TV. (So shes a movie star) She has such a long journey but has incredible strength and determination to get to her goal. Putting it all out there for the world to see on national TV had to be so scary and hard. Her blog is very pretty to read and look at, as a scrapbooker I can appreciate the work. Go pop over and support her on her weight loss journey.

6~Kris@http://wwkris.blogspot.com. With out Kris I would not be here. She is my WW leader and encouraged her members to start a blog at our accountability meeting. Who knew I would be so inspired to blog about my weight? Because of Kris I have met a lot of very special people. I don't think you can ever have too many supporters. She post some very yummy and healthy recipes on her blog. Due to her time being used up as a leader, she doesn't post everyday. But what she does post are things that we as followers can use in our lives forever. Thank you Kris for being such a great Weight Watcher's leader.

7~TaDa@http://caloriecountfood.blogspot.com. And I CAN NOT forget about this blogger. I posted a post that I received several heart warming hugs on. But she offered her time and ears and sent me her email (a complete stranger too) as an extra source of comfort. I read her blog everyday and am so grateful for her kind words. Knowing that someone REALLY cares and has opened the lines of communication, to more than just the public forum of the blogging world, meant a lot to me. Thank you so much for leaned your ear to me. I love the foods that she post and she keeps it real with admitting she not perfect either. Her blog is bright and easy on the eyes. (plus she is from FL, a place I always want to go someday)

Now if you see your name/blog listed here copy the award to your computer and add it to your blog. Make sure you make it a permanent photo so everyone can see you are a

BEAUTIFUL BLOGGER!

Smile!

Break time.

Going through a REALLY REALLY difficult time right now. I woke up to something that has stopped my world in its tracks! My world will be different as I knew it from this moment on. I could just throw the towel in and say the HELL with everything: my diet, my marriage, my religion, my family, etc. But I am much too strong and I WILL NOT do that to myself or the ones who love me.

The reason I say this is because my mind is racing and I will probably need some healing time away from the blogging world for awhile. Just know this is temporary and I will be back. Later...

I am the biggest CRY baby!

Here's for my readers who are wondering how it went tonight. Well I CRIED!! Not once but twice. Let me tell you why and then you might understand better.

A couple of weeks ago I had my leader weigh my boot separately, so I would not have to take it off every week. I thought that was a great idea. So I needed a chair to sit on while I removed my other shoe (leaving my boot on). After I got on the scales she said "OK Lesia are you going to be OK with a gain?"(she knows how emotional I get)and I sad "Why did I gain?" then I heard a "Yes". I asked how much and she told me 1.6 pounds. I quietly put my shoe back on and hopped to me seat. I TRIED really hard NOT to cry but I started thinking...
~I tried really hard NOT to eat anything unhealthy.
~I stayed way below my points.
~I even rode my exercise bike 4 miles with the boot on today.
~I have at least 6-8 more weeks of this boot thing.
~If this is how its going to be then why even try?
~What will my family think.
~Why do I put myself through ALL this.
And then the support hugs came from my WW friends. Thank you Quay. And the tears welled up in my eyes and it just happened. (I am not a cry baby either but this weight thing really gets to me).

After a few minutes I thought:

"WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! This can't be right can it?"

So I asked a girl I was sitting next to if she would go and ask the leader for me, "if she remembered to minus the weight of the boot?" I watched from my seat as the leader told her "OH CRAP I FORGOT SORRY".

Are you kidding me! I was crying for nothing!

Now I was crying for a totally different reason. This time it was from being over joyed that I wasn't a failure and I can do this.

So after it was all said and done I had a loss of 1.2! Now I only have 1 MORE POUND before I hit the magic 50 pound marker.

I CAN DO THIS!

Breathe!

Weigh in is tonight. I am always over stressed on Thursdays. My anxiety is really high.
I hate the wait to see if I have lost anything.
I hate the fact that the scales don't always show me all the hard work I put in for the week.
I hate the feeling of failure.
I hate not having the control of the outcome.

But this week I am really frustrated. I am AWARE of my errors of the week and can't do anything about it. This time I am completely and sadly at the mercy of the "Scale Goddess."

I am going to accept the number on the scale and NOT cry about it.

(at least not in front of anyone there). That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Lets reflect for a minute....My errors this week (and will be for several more weeks so I better get used to it) are:
1~Not getting enough food in my body. (not on purpose either) Just is hard to move and cook with crutches. Plus it hurts to not have my foot elevated for any period of time.
2~Not tracking.
3~Not exercising.
4~Just getting off steroids.
5~Not getting my healthy foods in. (like my oils, protein, vegs, dairy...etc)
6~Not getting enough water to drink.

On a good note:
I haven't eaten anything that was not healthy.
My clothes feel looser.
I have been reading lots of blogs for support.
Going to the doctors to speed this injury along.
I haven't forgot the skills that I have learn over the course of 7 months.

But MOSTLY I am NOT giving up!

Just need to stay strong and remember THIS TOO WILL PASS!

Jiggling.

This may sound really weird, but I don't like having my loose fat/skin not being supported by tight fitted pants. Not over tight, just enough to act as a girdle but without the girdle. Now all my pants are getting too lose and I feel the fat jiggling when I walk. UGH! Hate that...Just saying:(

Can't win for losing.

So last month, April 13th to be exact, I went clothes shopping. See earlier blog and photo here
It hasn't been nice enough weather to wear a lot of the items I bought. So they have been sitting in my closet with the tags still on them, just waiting to be worn.

Even though the weather today here in Utah is wet and rainy, I wanted to wear one of my new (well new for me) capri pants. With this cast on my leg it makes it hard to be comfortable with long pants. So I tore off the tag. Now mind you I bought these pants a little snug cause it wasn't warm enough to wear them back in April. And I was taking in the fact that I was still losing.

OMG~are you kidding me? They are too big now. You would think I should be so excited and want to jump up and down. But NO, I was a little bit disappointed. I really liked the clothes that I spent hours going through at the thrift store. I am glad I didn't pay a lot for them since I will not be wearing them. But now I don't have any clothes that fit again. UGH....Have you tried trying on clothes, especially pants, with a BIG ole cast/boot on? Not fun! So until I get this off or until it doesn't hurt to remove the boot, I guess I will be wearing saggy britches...

I thought I was doing a good thing by shopping early and having them fit tight at the time. Hence the title "Can't win for losing". Time to shop again ...UGH!

PS. Just goes to show you...

IT IS NOT JUST ABOUT THE NUMBER ON THE SCALES!

In a child's eyes.

I wanted to share something that happen yesterday at my house. I have an 11 year daughter who we adopted, from my daughter, years ago. We have had Mikayla her whole life so it's like she has been mine the whole time. Anyway that is just a little background.

I was teaching her how to download the pictures from my camera to the computer. I was sitting in my assigned seat with my foot up in the air as she followed my instructions. As she was looking, at my older pictures in my Lesia folder under my pictures directory, this is what she did.

She would look at the computer and then back at me, then back at the computer and then back at me. She did this several times as she skipped to the next picture in the folder. I asked her what was wrong?

She said "Nothing is wrong mom, just THERE IS A DIFFERENCE HERE!" I knew what she was referring to but she had on the cutest expression as she stared at me than looked back at the computer. I told her she was too cute and then she said "No mom you are." "Look at the difference you are now compared to then. I am so proud of you mom. I knew you could do this."

I have the best family support system and I know I could not do this without them. I wanted to show you why she said what she did. So I am going to be brave and add those before pictures. UGH!



Ok that's enough of the torture. Now for NOW pictures:


I asked Kayla "How could I think I looked good enough back then to allow my picture to be taken?" Her response was "Mom, no matter what you weigh, I WILL ALWAYS love you." How sweet of her but let's be honest I didn't love myself back then so how could I except anyone else too either. That's the past and this is the present. I still am not at the end of this journey but I do see the light at the end of that dark tunnel.

It's Never Enough....

When I started this journey 7 months ago I was just wanting to get below 200 and lose 50 pounds. Then, after 6 weeks, the 1st one happened. I was shocked it happen so fast. Then I wanted to get past the 190's. I thought that day would never get here. Then 9 weeks later I broke to the 180's. My only thought was now I want to get to the 170's. This one went really fast only 4 weeks. (not sure why but it probably had to do with the increase in my exercise routine.) But no matter what the reason I was still wanting more. You guessed it, I wanted to get to the 160's.

6 weeks went by and I thought I would NEVER get to the 160's. Finally I made it but was that enough? NOPE!!! I want to see the 150's SO BAD my teeth hurt! (not really but you get the frustration). This is week 6 of the 160's. And for the other mile stone , I am 2.2 from losing that 50 pounds.

I am going to be so excited to get to the 150's or am I?

My poor hubby has to hear my "nightly step on the scale read out." And the constant "UGH! I am still at that stupid same number" comments. I don't think I will be happy with the end results. Even with all the people telling me that I look good at the size I am, I still don't see it. I hope once I reach my WW goal, I will have learned to accept the size I have become. And NOT want more.

Some may call them mini goals but I get little satisfaction after I reach them, cause there is always another one that I want.

It's Never Enough.....